Radiance Reviewed – A Poem

My radiance suffers

when I don’t sleep

and the bags under my eyes

carry tears and worries.

.

My radiance suffers

when I eat sour cream pringles

and bagels with cream cheese

then bemoan the cheese on my thighs.

.

My radiance suffers

when I have three kids on my one lap

and I don’t have enough

eyes and ears to share.

.

My radiance suffers

when I am googling and scrolling

and shoveling crap into my brain and soul

thinking it’s fertilizer instead of just shit.

.

My radiance suffers

when I don’t talk to an adult

besides with my thumbs

that can’t differentiate between sarcasm and snark.

.

My radiance suffers

My light gets dimmer

My flame flickers

But maybe

It is not my time to shine….

Playing catch up as the school year starts! There won’t be any “alone time” this year since my kids will all be learning from home so I’m trying to “find time” when I can. Right now, time is waiting in line for take out.

This poem was written for Patrick’s Pic and A Word Challenge #244 – Radiance. I’m a week or two behind but I’m committed to this streak!

Life is anything but radiant right now, so like reading and writing and running, I’m trying to find the glimmers when I can. My friend calls this “find grace” – for myself and others – during this time. It really does help find the “shine” in the heavy dullness of living during a pandemic. It’s the hope that I’m clinging to. It’s the priorities that I am mindfully choosing. It’s the gratitude for blessings that I am counting.

So while I may not yet be back to regular posts…I’m still here… and I appreciate your time in reading this….

©️ 2020 iido

A Crack in the Track – My October Runfession

I missed the October Runfession so I’m doing it now before it’s time for November’s. I’ve written this Runfession in poem form:

The Crack in the Track
(The non-Thomas the Train version)

I had it all planned
In my one track mind
The route with the hills
The sun beaming on determined faces
Shiny with chocolate infused sweat

Instead, the dark clouds cried
Spurring some to run faster
To get out of the wet
While others wept along with
Exertion and exhaustion

A crack in my plan!
My plan is off track!
Is that a thunder crack I hear?
I’m off my intervals and
Walking up hills and down

I still crossed the finish line
I still got the bling
But my body hurts
And my soul
My soul
Is still walking
This crack it still stings.

This poem is part of my catching up with Patrick’s Pic and Word Challenge #204 – Walking and #205 – Crack. I was on a streak (and I confess, this is probably not one of my best poems) – I’m hoping this make up counts!

This poem also runfesses the agony of my run at the 10th Annual Hershey Half Marathon which took place on October 20, 2019. I was not consistent with my training for this race and it showed. The weather was also miserable – cloudy and cold and then the clouds opened up! Most of the race was in the rain – I don’t think I’ve actually ran a half marathon in the pouring rain before. By the time I reached the half way mark, I was seriously considering exiting with the relay runners and calling it quits!

But I didn’t and I made it to the finish line a little shy of three hours. This was probably one of my slowest half marathon times but considering the weather and my inconsistent training, it was an accomplishment! Kudos to my BRF, Michele, who didn’t let the rain stop her and powered through for a PR at this race!

The other weird, awful thing that happened was my arm that was holding my water bottle and phone (in one of those hand held holder things) stiffened up and I could not move it after the race. I actually sat in the car and called my husband, worried about driving home because I could not move that arm without pain. It took a hot bath, Motrin and several days of rest before I got feeling and mobility back. It is still feeling weak and I am planning on seeing a doctor about in the near future.

Looking at the past few months, I am seeing a consistent pattern of inconsistency!! When I don’t schedule time to run or write, these activities easily get pushed to the side with other pressing priorities. Balancing my personal needs with those of my family has always been a struggle but I am hoping to do better! I’m back on track!

©️ iido 2019

Tygpress is NOT Authorized to Reprint My Blog Content

This post is a follow up on my previous post about Tygpress (hosted by Digital Oceans). They continue to scrape my blog as well as others’ blogs. We have lost one blog (maybe two) because of this issue and that makes me very sad.

Fandango created a badge that he kindly allowed other bloggers to use. I am going to be using this badge on all my posts going forward.

Also, check out this post at Renard’s World. He wrote a thoughtful article about this issue with some excellent explanations and suggestions about how to further handle this issue.

I hope you are not affected by this issue, but if you are – know that you aren’t alone and that there is something you can do about it. As for me, I will continue with my posting and and my brand new badge while continuing to explore options to shut down this unethical website.

©️ iido 2019

Blessed

We met every Friday at 5:30

I gave without thinking

You were never poor in spirit.

Me, in my Abercrombie and Fitch,

You, with your Aromatic and Filth

We met every Friday at 5:30.

Pasta and tacos,

Admonishments and side eye

I gave without thinking.

Survival your strength

Laughter your life line

You were never poor in spirit

Thank you to Jamie Dedes at The Poet By Day for this Wednesday Writing Prompt. Her challenge: Based on your experience or observation, tell us about poverty.

I used the cascade form for this piece. Thank you to Michele Vecchitto at Writing and Reflections for introducing me to this lovely poetry form through her poem, “Quiet Spaces.”

Poverty comes in many forms – not just material and monetary poverty, but poverty of spirit and soul – a much worse malady in my opinion. The poem above stems from my time volunteering at a soup kitchen. It’s where I learned compassion and what being rich truly means.

©️ iido 2018

My Greatest Fear

This post was inspired by the Go Dog Go Tuesday Writing prompt: write an acrostic poem that spells out your greatest fear. Wow. Good thing my greatest fear isn’t disclosing too much or being too vulnerable. Seriously.

I had to think about this a lot – what am I afraid of? Not any type of animal or insect (although I will scream if it means someone else will do the dirty deed of killing the latter). Not really any activity although I’m not thrilled about things that involve heights especially if I’m being dangled on said heights with just nylon between me and the swan dive of death. Thinking of death, I don’t feel afraid of dying either. It happens to us all. Dealing with loss – I’m surviving that.

I remember a moment after giving birth to my twins, Lucas and Larissa, when they were only 22 weeks old – just a week shy of the “age of viability”. The doctor told me, “They’re really small and at this stage of gestation, they only have a 50/50 chance to live. Do you still want us to do everything we can to save them?” My answer, of course, “Yes – anything, everything!” My children didn’t survive, but it was at that moment that I thought to myself, “If I had to die so my children would live, would I be willing to die for them?”

******

My Greatest Fear

Crying will not help

Only sacrifice

Will be enough

Am I enough?

Realizing that

Death is an option

I am afraid

Courage escapes me

Eternity will know I failed

******

What I really fear is being a coward – being afraid and not standing up or speaking out when I need to, especially when it comes to protecting my children or others who I care about. It’s being afraid to make the ultimate sacrifice if it comes down to me or family/friends.

I know people have given their lives to protect others – as part of their job or because they felt compelled to. I know people put their lives at risk to speak out for those who are unable to. I know people intervene when they see injustice or see others getting hurt.

I am afraid that when the time comes, I will not be one of those people. I will cower in my comfortable life and leave the heavy lifting for others to do. I am afraid deep down inside of showing the world how much of a coward I really am.

Although, when it’s written as an acrostic poem, it doesn’t seem so scary….

Taking advantage of Newton’s 1st Law

If you need a physics refresher, go here.

I’m on a roll this week…

I wrote three posts this weekend (two in one day – this one is my fourth!) and am working on one more post for this week. I’ve also crossed of half my weekly to do list AND my kitchen island has remained clutter free since Tuesday (that is a significant feat!). I’ve also started going through my kids’ clothes to sell at the Just Between Friends Consignment Event next month.

I’m pretty sure this spate of energy and motivation came from my sola 5 mile run this past weekend. There were several excuses that I could have used to not do this planned run:

-it was supposed to thunderstorm that morning

-my group run got cancelled because of this

-I overslept my planned start time by two hours

-by the time I got out, the humidity was so high because the storm hadn’t come yet, that I looked like it had rained on me (and only me) after a mile of running.

And yes, I am calling them by their rightful name, EXCUSES, and not reasons, because those items (individually or together) should not have been a factor in my decision to run or not.

Even though I did less mileage than I had originally planned, just the fact that I got out there was enough to make me realize a few things:

1. Even if I don’t really wanting to do something, if I have to do it, I should still do it (or at least make a good attempt to do it).

2. Even if I have excuses for not doing something, if I have to do it, I should still do it.

3. I need to stop thinking about the action/activity and just get it done.

4. The sense of accomplishment and bad-assery that comes after doing 1 and 2 (above) is immense and continues for numerous days after the deed is done.

I’m calling those Irma’s Laws for Getting Shit Done.

Now, I know, that what I’ve just written above is nothing new. I’m sure you type A personalities are thinking, “I’ve known that since I was 5!” Well, if you know me IRL, you know that I am not so much a type A or even a type B. If there was a type L (for people who want to get things done with the least amount of effort – you know, leisurely type people, not lazy!) or a type P (for people who procrastinate then run around crazy trying to do things last minute and still manage to pull it off even if it’s not their best work at least it’s done), that would probably be more like me.

I joke with my kids that I’m not a “Tiger Mom”; I’m more like a “Panda Mom” (FYI – I just googled that phase, totally thinking I was making it up but I didn’t! Panda moms are real!!) I am pretty relaxed about most things which works for me as a parent and partner (even as a therapist), but maybe not so much as a runner or a writer.

So, I’m going to keep rolling with this bit of insight and see how long it will last. I’ve discovered I love making little boxes next to my to do items and checking them off. Whether I love having a little more structure and discipline in my life is still up in the air….

Rest Area Food Rant

Lessons – A haiku

Amidst the Beauty
Stomach turning grease and fat
Next time, bring picnic 

The poem above was inspired by the 10 lbs I gained on this road trip and the Pic and Word Challenge #43 by @pixtowords. 

********

We are almost to our destination – I can’t believe we’ve been driving and living out of our minivan for the past 2 weeks. It’s been quite an adventure – one that I am so glad we took as a family. The kids were great at keeping themselves entertained without electronics for about 95% of the trip – thank goodness for friends who supplied us with car games and books and a hubby who made a playlist from all the National Lampoon movie soundtracks. (Holiday Road, anyone?). Hubby and I also had some great conversations during our drive – driving great distances, like running great distances, has a way of opening up and connecting hearts and minds. 

Here are our collection of “Welcome” State signs – I missed a few since we were driving as I was trying to snap a picture. Can you figure out which states we drove through that we don’t have a picture of?