Change Scale – A Quadrille and Running Update

I stare at you

And wiggle my toes

Willing you to change

With my mind

While my body remains

On the Couch

Softly spreading

Creaking with complaints

I finally get up to walk

To the fridge

for a cold beverage.

Change is thirsty work.

De Jackson hosts the 2019’s first Quadrille Monday at dVerse (#71) with the theme: Change. Another apropos theme for the start of the year. Thank you De Jackson!

As with a lot of people, I posted last week my health goals for the year. So despite the 30 degree weather, I went for a short run by myself while my kids were at their horse riding lessons. It was so cold that my breath never warmed up enough for me to see it, but I did feel pretty bada$$ running in the cold. Like I was a real runner and nothing was going to stop me from a run.

Of course, I am a “real runner” but my recent spate of not prioritizing running has made me feel somewhat of an imposter. I mean, isn’t family supposed to come before running? And what about my passion of writing? What I’m really striving for is balance! Not the sometimes elusive scale balance (holding an ice cream cone in each hand does not a balanced scale make!) but the even more rare, life balance. Where, oh where, is that life balance? Maybe it’s hiding under the running shoes….

©️ iido 2019

My Husband’s Affair with Ms. C

I know he doesn’t mean it

When he goes to you instead

He’s known you longer than he’s known me

Will you know him ‘til he’s dead?

I smell your perfume in his shirt

At the end of every day

I know he spends more time with you

Yet there is nothing I can say

Wordlessly I watch and wait

While his lungs turn goopy and burn

My love for him isn’t strong enough

He chose you and I lose my turn

This poem is in response to Jamie Dedes’ Wednesday Writing Prompt on The Poet by Day to write a poem about how addiction has touched my life. While smoking may not seem as terrible as opioid addiction (it’s not illegal, it’s still somewhat socially accepted), it is still an activity that takes you away from your relationships, obligations and hurts your health. In fact, I think any activity – even ones that start off as healthy, like running – can become an unhealthy addiction.

In this way, addiction has probably touched more lives that people might care to admit. Think of binge drinking in college or the even the use of smart phones – activities that people use as “coping skills” but, in reality, take people away from having real relationships and can cause serious mental and physical health problems. The mental and emotional components of addiction, as well as the physical aspects, has lasting effects, not only for the individual, but also for all the people in that person’s life.

In my professional and in personal lives, I am keenly aware of “addictive thinking” and “addictive behavior”. Tragically, I had a friend who died from alcoholism that she hid very well from us for many years. There is still so much stigma around addiction but we can’t be quiet about it any more. People are dying and we can’t just “wordlessly watch and wait”.

©️ iido 2018

Empty

This has been such a full week for me with a lot of additional activities besides our usual ones. Yet it is sometimes when I am busiest that my thoughts tend towards the opposite direction: loneliness, quietness, stillness. Hence, Patrick Jennings’ Pic and Word Challenge #153 – Emptiness, hits the spot again! While his lovely words look at outward, mine veered inward. Opposites….

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Empty

My womb is empty

No more sparks of life

Like fireflies on a summer night

A fleeting hope twinkling into sad thought

My womb is empty

Candle wishes extinguished

The birthday banner ripped and askew

Only cone hats left to point fingers at who’s to blame

My womb is empty

An unwanted Frankenstein

Stitched and stapled, stretched and scarred

Lightning bolts of regret

My womb is empty

It can add no more

4 out of 6 is more than statistical chance

Minus its function – a fraction of its worth

My womb is empty

Of sad thoughts

Of blame

Of regret

Of function

Now what will I do with all that space?

©️ iido 2018

Organic: Can I have what she’s having?

Inspired by Pic and a Word #147 – Organic. Again, Patrick’s lovely picture and prose lead me down a different path. This ode is to a practical struggle that some people (especially parents, I think) grapple with every time they go to the grocery store. (Also, if you don’t get the reference in the title, then you and I are not of the same generation!)

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I didn’t buy it

Despite the warnings

The “shoulds” of good motherhood

Like wipe warmers and vaccines

It’s a well educated privilege

Yet

The expense – Is it worth it?

You know, it’s a conspiracy, right?

We didn’t grow up that way

Don’t spoil them

A little dirt is good for you

But

It’s more than dirt

It’s more than chemicals

It’s molecules and manipulations

And making money

Still

The 9 haunts me

The butterfly taunts me

I should have just bought organic

©️iido 2018

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As a runner and a mom, healthy eating is important to me. However, following through on every food related recommendation can be daunting, especially when you have numerous mouths spouting (and sometimes shouting) competing requests.

This summer, I’ve been endeavoring to eat more non-processed foods, especially for the snacks. I was inspired by the book, Nutrition Performance for Runners. I’ve been buying organic, non-GMO foods when it doesn’t break the budget. Steering the kids (and myself!) towards whole fruits and veggies instead of fruit snacks and bars is constant retraining.

We are fortunate enough to live in an area with a lot of farmers’ markets and roadside farm stands. However, not all these farms are organic or non-GMO. I’ve found it is important to ask questions about how the food is grown. I still go to the supermarket and reading labels has become second nature to me. Needing to balance time (how many farmers’ stalls can I visit and still have time to stop at the store before picking up the kids?) and budget, factors into my food buying decisions.

Am I alone in this dilemma? A lot of people seem “all or nothing” regarding what to buy (as well as where. Did I mention we just got a Whole Foods market that is already causing traffic?).

Opposite Day

Or “Opposite (almost) Year”!!!

This blog is supposed to be about running but my life has been the exact opposite the past few months. Hence, the lack of posts. And this flipped magnet.

Oh sure, I’ve been running here and there….I’ve even run a few races….but running’s role as one of my defining characteristics, as the sun at the center of my universe has shifted.

There are many reasons why (don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll write about them sooner or later). Some might even say that running shouldn’t be the center of my life, that it should be my family or career or God. Some might say that taking a break is good, that I’m redefining myself and my priorities in life.

But, the fact is, that running is what has kept me grounded and sane and less than 200 lbs.*. Without it, I’m kind of at a loss…and I’m kind of getting really out of shape.

So, I’m putting it out there to make it official: on Wednesday, June 6, 2018 which is Global Running Day, I am recommitting to Running (and blogging). It is January 25 no longer!

Now I’m off to eat some spaghetti and ice cream…calories don’t count on Opposite Day!

* I am trying to be mindful of fat shaming and don’t want people to think that I am using “200 lbs” to signify that anyone around or over that weight is unhealthy or needs to lose weight. According to my PCP, 200 lbs is not a healthy weight for me when I am not pregnant (actually it wasn’t healthy for me even when I was pregnant, but whatever – I was making a baby!!). My chances of becoming a diabetic who needs medication increases at that weight. I also feel more lethargic and grumpy and depressed, especially as my clothes start to get tight.

Everyone is different though. My “unhealthy weight” may be your “healthy weight” and vice versa. Feeling good about yourself and comfortable in your own skin, no matter your weight or size or body shape, is one message I wholeheartedly support. It’s just a number and that definitely shouldn’t be anyone’s defining characteristic.

I Fish Love Running

I recently saw a video from Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski about True Love.  He told the story of a man who said he “loves fish” and then he comments that this man loved fish so much that “he took the fish out of the water, killed it and ate it”.  The question: Is that True Love? The answer is “No” – if you love someone or something because of what it can give you, that isn’t True Love.  True Love is about giving to the other, not taking.  Mother Teresa seems to also agree.

With all this evidence, I think I have to finally admit something….I don’t truly love running. I fish love running.  I love running because of what it can give me – muscular legs, smaller waistline, stronger heart and lungs, time for myself and time with other health-minded women.  Running gives me perspective – it clears my head and my heart.  When I run outside, running gives me the chance to enjoy the beauty of quiet rail trails and the hustle of city sidewalks.  Running on a treadmill gives me permission to use my imagination and make believe that running an incline of 4 is equal to running the Mount Washington Road Race.

What have I given to running? Hundreds of old sneakers (which I usually donate to the Nike Reuse-a-shoe Program)…smelly sports bras and running capris….OK – I do give up time with my family but honestly, I don’t mind because I need that time away.  I’ve also given up time from other activities like eating, reading, pooping, watching TV, but it’s not like I’ve given up chocolate or midnight mint mocha frappuccinos.

I’ve tried to do my part in giving back to the running community. I’ve volunteered at races and I’ve devoted numerous hours to my Moms RUN this Town (MRTT) chapter.  And this year, I coordinated the first Healthy Kids Running Series (HKRS) in my new hometown, a program that promotes the running lifestyle to kids age 2-13.  But does that truly show my love of running or does it show that I just love to get free shirts?

In my opinion, all these activities have given back to me in more ways than I’ve given to them.  Joining MRTT was my way of getting to know other women in my new area. Starting HKRS gave me an outlet for my energy and creativity since I had 3 out of 4 kids at school this past year.

Are you keeping score of who truly loves who? Well, you shouldn’t! True love doesn’t work that way!

I just have to accept it – running truly loves me while I only fish love running.  At least for now.  Maybe the next race will be the one to prove that I really, truly do love running.

But I wouldn’t hold my breath…

 

 

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Rest Area Food Rant

Lessons – A haiku

Amidst the Beauty
Stomach turning grease and fat
Next time, bring picnic 

The poem above was inspired by the 10 lbs I gained on this road trip and the Pic and Word Challenge #43 by @pixtowords. 

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We are almost to our destination – I can’t believe we’ve been driving and living out of our minivan for the past 2 weeks. It’s been quite an adventure – one that I am so glad we took as a family. The kids were great at keeping themselves entertained without electronics for about 95% of the trip – thank goodness for friends who supplied us with car games and books and a hubby who made a playlist from all the National Lampoon movie soundtracks. (Holiday Road, anyone?). Hubby and I also had some great conversations during our drive – driving great distances, like running great distances, has a way of opening up and connecting hearts and minds. 

Here are our collection of “Welcome” State signs – I missed a few since we were driving as I was trying to snap a picture. Can you figure out which states we drove through that we don’t have a picture of?